Some people think it is normal for adolescents to struggle with relationships. How does someone have a ‘peaceful adolescence?’
Our culture habitually deprives adolescents of genuine responsibility in which they understand they have a necessary role in fostering the good of the wider community, and this deprivation leads to disordered expressions of love in family life and in dating relationships.
I want to highlight three common approaches to responsibility:
No responsibility in favor of self-gratification. This person seeks fulfillment primarily in self-entertaining activities, such as screen time.
Responsibility with an artificial goal that does not directly serve the good of one’s family or community. This person finds meaning through activities whose greatest achievement furthers the glory of the individual (or team), such as winning competitions or tournaments. Responsibility at this level is good, but insufficient, for an adolescent to experience healthy independence and freedom.
Genuine responsibility serves the common good. This person finds meaning in activities that contribute uniquely to the good of the family and community. For example, in the Great Depression, adolescents worked so their younger siblings could go to school — a clear instance of serving the common good. Now, I know many large families that limit extracurriculars so older children can help with younger children; others will send their middle-schoolers to volunteer at nursing homes. This often requires some creativity and discernment for the parents!
By taking responsibility for the good of others, the adolescent makes a gift of self and experiences fulfillment in love rather than self-gratification or self-glorification. Familial relationships fall into their proper order as their self-directedness eliminates the feeling that parents are “overbearing.” Responsibility leads to genuine affection because it fulfills, in a healthy way, the natural drive “to prove my independence.”
Likewise, dating becomes less disordered. One raised with genuine responsibility recognizes that finding fulfillment in love requires self-restraint, whereas a lack of responsibility will lead to a “self-gratifying” or “self-glorifying” redefinition of romantic love. Healthy restraint maintains the interior freedom of the couple needed to discern the lifelong commitment of marriage.
For those who have been raised in a culture of non-responsibility, I am sorry. It is not your fault, but now you need healing. To find healing, serve! Take ownership and make a true gift of self for your community. For those raising children, give them responsibility! Adolescents need independence from the family in activities that serve the good of the community. This may take a reordering of commitments, but do not be afraid to do so!
Father Charlie Archer is associate pastor of St. Peter Parish in Kirkwood.
